Starting Walden Year feeling overwhelmed

So it's Wednesday June 18th. Church is essentially over, though we are on call until June 30 and therefore vulnerable to unknown requests/emails/needs. And little stuff is trickling in, but since last Saturday, when I offered a blessing at Christine and Bob Allen's wedding party on Myopia Road, I have felt "almost done." That was the last (known) ceremonial thing, which felt significant. All the staff reviews are complete, the file organized and left for the Millspaughs. The trickly stuff since Saturday has been easy to dispatch. I do need to write an MFC recommendation for Cathering Senghas still, but have until the end of June to do it. Main thing with that is not to forget to do it!

June 9 Mom went into MGH for her stem cell transplant. Actually June 9 was "Day -8." It was followed by seven days of intense chemo, which started making her sick about four days in. Yesterday was Day 0, when her stem cells were returned to her. For a few days now her blood counts will drop, then they'll start to bounce back. They've been giving her anti-nausea meds with only partial success since last Friday, and these have side effects. First day she was all dopey and confused but didn't know it. Line of the day from her: "I don't feel sleepy or tired at all, just calm." Followed immediately by head dropping back into a blackout sleep.

Last night she had a couple of bad nightmares, which were still haunting her this afternoon. Apparently these are not uncommon with the particular med she was on, so today she's got something different. Hasn't enjoyed food or been able to eat much for six days now, so lots of IV's. Today she left me a phone message asking if I could get her a TV schedule. Having no idea of the stations she's got there I called the social worker, who called the nursing station at her unit. Turns out they've got the schedules right there. Doh.

So this is a whole big deal on several levels. First, this treatment is making her really sick, and it's hard to see her suffering like that. Second, she is dependent on me in ways I've only glimpsed before, and this is an extended period of time so I have to learn to incorporate it into my life. Third, she's in a precaution room due to the low blood counts, so the only way to see her is to put on mask and gloves and wipe down everything I bring in. Fourth, the logistics of the near-daily trips to MGH can be a pain, with traffic, parking, etc. Fifth, she isn't even up to doing email, so I'm sending updates to a list of family and her friends. Then they write back to me, which in some cases is nice and in other cases requires a set of replies, so that's its own task.

And on top of this, we have been moving. Today two somewhat bozo movers showed up on Arlington to take our big stuff; we had already made a million Jetta trips with smaller and fragile things. So now everything is under one roof which is great. But there is a ton to do to get this lovely house in the shape we want it. My filing cabinet is shot, so I'll need to find someone who can take it away and trash it, and my files are sitting in about 8 boxes on the floor, impeding figuring out a good set-up for my study. Looks like our brown couch doesn't have a home here; it's too big where we wanted it but is sitting there anyway. And we have hideous wallpaper to take down, followed by paint selections, painting, and furniture selections.

That said, I really don't want to complain. This house is truly lovely. I think we can be happy here for a long time. I just don't want to spend the entire Walden Year with a house "To Do" list. Will defeat the purpose significantly. So I need to find a way to compartmentalize the house things so there is still plenty of contemplation time and energy.

Perhaps the blog will help. If I write here regularly (daily, even a little?), it will be a reminder to stop and seek perspective. Yoga classes will help. I'm so happy David liked his first ever class yesterday. Even if we don't always take the same classes, perhaps we will have a similar kind of experience. Yoga has been so wonderful for me; I'd love to see him also love it, then we'd have that in common. Yoga has a way of changing you, I think. Certainly in body, but also in spirit. Perfect for Walden Year.

Okay, this was a long though not deep dump for a first post. Will try for more thought and less puking on paper in the future. Just wanted to set the context and say, basically, I Feel Overwhelmed. It does help to write it down.

Now to go get our dinner at Stop 'N Shop...