Monday evening and so much to say

That last “authentic me” post was, if you couldn’t tell, written by Loose Chicken Dave. Loose Chicken Stephanie (yours truly) is not yet clever or calm enough to post a picture of a kitty, or to ponder absolute relaxation.

I am, however, in a better place than I was a few days ago. Bruce, Sam and Will came for dinner Friday. On Saturday morning we babysat the boys while Bruce went in to see Mom. Sam and Will are so different from each other yet they play together pretty well. Will adores and admires Sam, yet is also very much his own person, surprisingly content to sit alone making shhhh shhh battle noises for long periods of time. Sam is an artist and a web-surfer and thought it was the coolest thing that someone left a checkbook cover in the “free” section at the dump. Will couldn’t decide what to bring home, so the default was that if Sam wanted it Will decided he wanted it too. A fine recipe for conflict, but they worked it out, with a little refereeing.

They left in the early afternoon and though the visit had been less than 24 hours, I was exhausted. I know people say it’s different when it’s your own children, but I’m pretty sure I was not cut out for parenting. I felt I’d had not a moment of reflective time, eesh. And yet I'm so glad to have seen them. Best moment was right after they arrived. Will says to Sam: "Want to go up to our room?" They've been here just once before, and already it's "their" room. That felt really good. But I am a person who needs pretty significant down time. Maybe it's the introvert's way; maybe just something about my personality or biology. At any rate, it's consistently true that I need solitude in between "people" times.

By evening we were recovered enough to go to Anne and Bennet’s solstice party. This was lovely; we met some non-church people, and I particularly enjoyed talking with Susan McPhee. She and Matthew lived in Sydney for 8 years, where she learned a lot about aboriginal life. She talked about their art which depicts aerial views of the land; this by people who never had an opportunity to see anything from the air. It was an imaginative act, made possible by the presence of time and space to think. Also, each member of society had a few natural things to, in a sense, care for. My objects might be a type of tree and corn and a rock; yours would be certain other things. Made me want to learn more about these people.

Sunday was spent puttering. I worked mostly in my study, putting away files and emptying boxes and arranging furniture. My imaginative act is to make this “room of my own” into the kind of space I really want it to be. Margie suggested identifying an atmosphere or environment to use as inspiration. My current image is “yoga retreat.”

This is an interesting process for me, requiring overriding an old habit of saying, “Okay, I need bookshelves; let’s go get some.” “Hey, there’s a rug that would work; I’ll buy it.” This piecemeal habit leads to exactly the kind of spaces I usually live in: functional, maybe partially aesthetic, but not at all thematic or integrated. Just a bunch of stuff collected in a room. I am going to try to do this one differently. This means cultivating patience (books may not be on shelves as quickly as I’d like), yet also keeping the project moving (rather than plopping down at the computer and getting on with life, because the room is “good enough”). Perhaps I can use this space to try something new, right now from the beginning.

And there’s a whole ‘nother thing to write about, which is this morning’s conversation with Liz Gaufberg. More on that later, or maybe tomorrow…

I’m feeling that familiar tug between sharp focus and soft focus, activity and rest, “do” and “be.” Plan is to leave in half an hour for an evening yoga class with Dave. I could spend that half hour writing writing writing, but I think I’d rather sit with what I’ve just recorded, and hold the rest for next time. No wonder I often feel life has gotten away from me. There’s so much to record if you really try to capture it. Like, I haven’t written/reflected any more yet about Mom and her stem cell transplant and my relationship with her, so that’s in the queue as well. And Liz, well she evoked all kinds of thoughts about Spa for the Spirit projects and possible collaborations for the near-term. As in our prior conversations I emerged energized.

At times like this, Walden Year feels like an oasis in the desert. I could just write and write and write. Yet I also want to see friends, work on the house (my room and other rooms that need “atmosphere” or just plain furniture), do yoga, study meditation, read books, cook really good food, follow up on cool ideas that come from conversations with people like Liz, etc etc etc etc. How will it all fit together? Time will tell, I trust. First thing is to breathe.

Sometimes I feel the more I grow in my lifetime the more complicated it becomes to find my core self. Whenever I take the time to "get away" and relax fully, I rediscover this real person that is authentically ME. Its as if I have always been there, patiently waiting for the rest of me to become more attentive. I imagine there are those who say such a daemon doesn't exist. But when my life is calm and simplified I always recognize with delight this sense of an unchanging soul. Here I have all the cofidence and energy I need. Today I stumbled on this quote that seems apt:

"The Absolute enters into, but is itself incapable of, evolution." --Francis H. Bradley

I did it!

It's about 5pm on Friday, and the only thing on that whole &^%* list I didn't do was call Laurie. Amazing. Sorry Laurie girlfriend; it's not that I don't love seeing you. It's the introvert thing. I felt better focussing on that list of stuff than making a social date, which would have to be at a particular time on a particular day. Plus we had a SC party last night, Bruce and boys coming tonight/tomorrow, and party at Anne and Bennet's tomorrow night. Throw in a trip to MGH and I'm cooked.

Nonetheless, I was able to knock off those tasks that were jumbled up in my head, plus we went to Arlington and finished cleaning the apartment, and I had a little study tinkering time. So that's all very satisfying. And I am looking forward to seeing Bruce. And Sam and Will, though that's a little more challenging because at 8 and 5 they're such... boys. Always Doing Stuff yet not old enough to be independent. But they're my nephews, I love them and I want to have an actual relationship with them. So I'm glad they're coming.

Neither today nor yesterday counts as introspective, I'm afraid. Too many tasks. No yoga. Not more than a few minutes of sitting on the deck doing nothing.

But Mom was feeling better than she had in a week, so that made for an easy visit. The radio entertained me there and back, 70's and 80's music on the way in and Science Friday on the way back. She told an entertaining story about a bad chaplain, had eaten some real meals and had a little energy for the first time in awhile. Her big day yesterday consisted of twice getting out of bed to sit in a chair for an hour. As she was telling me about it I think she heard how small that accomplishment sounded, but for her it was significant. She who two weeks ago was walking 5 miles around the Mystic Lakes and doing several other things on the same day. This transplant process is quite punishing.

Okay, I think I'm going to sit on the deck and do nothing for a moment. Bruce will arrive any time now.

S again -- since the last post identified its author as Loose Chicken... This is Loose Chicken Stephanie.

Woke up this morning with continuing sense of overwhelm, flailing around thinking about bookcases and file cabinets for my study. But actually I don't think that's the right place to start in that room, and before I could fully organize *that* thought a bunch of others rushed in: what about stripping wallpaper, what about a time for Laurie to come over and Martha to come over and should I take a yoga class today and I need to pay some bills and organize the paper into files that are sitting in boxes on my study floor. Bruce and Sam and Will are coming tomorrow dinner time until Saturday afternoon, tonight we have a Standing Committee potluck and Saturday night a dinner party at Anne and Bennet's. Tomorrow will go to hospital, and we need at some point to go finish up at Princeton Rd and I still forgot to do the mail forwarding with the post office. OK. That's a glimpse into my kinda sick not very yogic mind at the moment. Oh yeah and Catherine's recommendation and answer Beth G's email and change my lunch Sat with Claire Cerrato because I didn't know Bruce was coming when I made the date. Errrr. Not yet the idyllic Walden Year I imagined.

OK. Organize these thoughts into something more manageable. Here is a To Do list, including some pesky little stuff, so I don't forget it and maybe so I get real about how much is enough (an issue for me always). Goal is to do these things between now (Thurs morning 8:45) and Friday evening:

Cancel Claire lunch
Mail forwarding
Pay 2 bills
File business paperwork
Make bed for Bruce
Pick up mail and air mattress at Mom's
Visit Mom
Plan dinner/breakfast/lunch for Bruce, Sam, Will
Shop for those
Call Laurie re: coming over (today?)
Write Beth
Fill out rebate info from computer purchases
Stop by church to see Iana and get expense check
Pick up something for SC potluck
Thank you note to Christine and Bob Allen
Fiddle with study layout (for fun!)
Floss teeth because I got scolded again by hygienist and I know she's right

Whattaya think? Can I just calmly, yogically, even skillfully perform these tasks? And here's a philosophical Waldenish question: is it better to spend 2 hours going to yoga or to seek a yogic attitude in performing tasks that I will feel better having done? Is it better to go to yoga or have Laurie come over? I don't know!

A very nice thing happened while I was writing this post: Dave came in and tinkered with my decrepit file cabinet. Now it works again and stands up straight and I can put my files away! It may not be the perfect design or condition for the study ultimately, but I can get those 8 boxes of files off the floor and into the cabinet! And see the room better to plan its future. That was extremely sweet of him to do; he sees my stress and wants me to feel better. Awwww. I love him.

Starting Walden Year feeling overwhelmed

So it's Wednesday June 18th. Church is essentially over, though we are on call until June 30 and therefore vulnerable to unknown requests/emails/needs. And little stuff is trickling in, but since last Saturday, when I offered a blessing at Christine and Bob Allen's wedding party on Myopia Road, I have felt "almost done." That was the last (known) ceremonial thing, which felt significant. All the staff reviews are complete, the file organized and left for the Millspaughs. The trickly stuff since Saturday has been easy to dispatch. I do need to write an MFC recommendation for Cathering Senghas still, but have until the end of June to do it. Main thing with that is not to forget to do it!

June 9 Mom went into MGH for her stem cell transplant. Actually June 9 was "Day -8." It was followed by seven days of intense chemo, which started making her sick about four days in. Yesterday was Day 0, when her stem cells were returned to her. For a few days now her blood counts will drop, then they'll start to bounce back. They've been giving her anti-nausea meds with only partial success since last Friday, and these have side effects. First day she was all dopey and confused but didn't know it. Line of the day from her: "I don't feel sleepy or tired at all, just calm." Followed immediately by head dropping back into a blackout sleep.

Last night she had a couple of bad nightmares, which were still haunting her this afternoon. Apparently these are not uncommon with the particular med she was on, so today she's got something different. Hasn't enjoyed food or been able to eat much for six days now, so lots of IV's. Today she left me a phone message asking if I could get her a TV schedule. Having no idea of the stations she's got there I called the social worker, who called the nursing station at her unit. Turns out they've got the schedules right there. Doh.

So this is a whole big deal on several levels. First, this treatment is making her really sick, and it's hard to see her suffering like that. Second, she is dependent on me in ways I've only glimpsed before, and this is an extended period of time so I have to learn to incorporate it into my life. Third, she's in a precaution room due to the low blood counts, so the only way to see her is to put on mask and gloves and wipe down everything I bring in. Fourth, the logistics of the near-daily trips to MGH can be a pain, with traffic, parking, etc. Fifth, she isn't even up to doing email, so I'm sending updates to a list of family and her friends. Then they write back to me, which in some cases is nice and in other cases requires a set of replies, so that's its own task.

And on top of this, we have been moving. Today two somewhat bozo movers showed up on Arlington to take our big stuff; we had already made a million Jetta trips with smaller and fragile things. So now everything is under one roof which is great. But there is a ton to do to get this lovely house in the shape we want it. My filing cabinet is shot, so I'll need to find someone who can take it away and trash it, and my files are sitting in about 8 boxes on the floor, impeding figuring out a good set-up for my study. Looks like our brown couch doesn't have a home here; it's too big where we wanted it but is sitting there anyway. And we have hideous wallpaper to take down, followed by paint selections, painting, and furniture selections.

That said, I really don't want to complain. This house is truly lovely. I think we can be happy here for a long time. I just don't want to spend the entire Walden Year with a house "To Do" list. Will defeat the purpose significantly. So I need to find a way to compartmentalize the house things so there is still plenty of contemplation time and energy.

Perhaps the blog will help. If I write here regularly (daily, even a little?), it will be a reminder to stop and seek perspective. Yoga classes will help. I'm so happy David liked his first ever class yesterday. Even if we don't always take the same classes, perhaps we will have a similar kind of experience. Yoga has been so wonderful for me; I'd love to see him also love it, then we'd have that in common. Yoga has a way of changing you, I think. Certainly in body, but also in spirit. Perfect for Walden Year.

Okay, this was a long though not deep dump for a first post. Will try for more thought and less puking on paper in the future. Just wanted to set the context and say, basically, I Feel Overwhelmed. It does help to write it down.

Now to go get our dinner at Stop 'N Shop...

First Post June 17, 2008

Last January in anticipation of blogging during our Walden Year, I created a blog. Alas, now as our time of "Re-Creating" approaches, I confess I cannot remember its name or how to log on. So, this new WaldenYear Blog has been created. Let's go!